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OV^EKM^N'S 



EXHIBITION AND SCHOOL 



-^DIALOGUES^ 

miM SKHOOL SHOULD HAVE THEM. 



Price lo Cents. 



SALKM. INDIAN \. 

1,KA7'ER STEAM I'KINT. 



Published by MARY N. OVERMAN, 

JUST THE DIALOGUES YOU WA 

Sent post paid upon Receipt of lo cents in Sta 
or Currency. Address the x\uthor or 

J. ^. KEJSi:^, 

Publisher, Bookseller and Stationer, 
Salem, Indiana. 



OVERMA-N'S 



EXHIBITION AND SCHOOL 



►^ DIALOGUES -^^ 



B¥ERY ggHOOL SHOULD HIVE THEM. 



Price lo Cents. 



SALEM, INDIANA. 

IKAPER bTEAM FEINT. 



,07 



Copyright, 1895, 
By Mary N. Overman, 



H 



CONTEXTS. 



Village Lite. 

Boys' Talk. 

District School, on Friday Afterno^-n. 

Tlie Social. 

Wiiich is the Greatest Foe to Our Country, Tobacco 
or Alcohol? 

Discussion in School. 
Evening Callers. 
The Missions of Flovvers. 
The Alphabet in Uhynie. 
Sewing Circle Talk. 



PREFACE. 

The following Dialogues are suit ible for use in School 
Exhibitions and various other entertainments. They 
have been prepared wiih a view ef sotting forth useful in- 
formation, as well as of provoking happy laughter, which 

is a source ot good. 

MARY N. OYERMAjST. 



SHORT DIALOGUES. 



VILIvAGE LIFE. 



Characters :**Mrs. Thoughtless and her bo}^ Johnny, 
Mrs. Pharisee, Mr. Irony, Deacon Jones, Cheer>^ 
Jones, Preacher Wise and Mrs. Wise. 

Scene I. — A room in which are Mrs. Thought- 
less and Johnn3^ Mrs. T. dusting the furniture with 
her apron, and Johnny whittling, 

Airs. T. Now Johnn}^, I want you to stop whit- 
tling around here. I expect Deacon Jones and 
Cheer^^ Jones and the new^ Preacher and his wife all 
here for supper to-night, and I want you to let things 
alone like I've fixed them. 

Johnny. I will if you'll give me a piece of that 
cake 3^ou've got baked. 

Mrs. T. I don't want to cut the cake now, but 
if you Ysill be a good bay while the folks are here, 
and not slip in behind my chair and stare at them 
while they are eating, you can have a piece of it af- 
ter supper. 

Johnnv. But ma, I'm afraid there wont be any 
left. 

Mrs. T. There will be at least oxK piece left for 
manners. 

Johnny. * I want you to save me some spanked 
cream to eat with my cake. 

Mrs. T. You mean whipped cream. 



4 SHORT DIALOGUES. 

Tohnity. Well, what's the difference between 
whipped and spanked, I'd like to know. (Enter 
Mrs. Pharisee.) 

Mrs. T. Well! If here isn't Mrs. Pharisee. I'm 
So glad to see 3^ou. Take a chair. How are 3^ou 
to-day. ? 

Mrs. P. (Sitting down.) I'm not so well b}^ a 
great deal. I can hardl}^ go at all. It seems as 
though I never would be well again. My health is 
getting worse all the time; but I'm so patient and 
resigned, I never complain. «, 

Mrs. T. Take ofT your bonnet. 

Mrs. P. I don't know as it's worth while. I 
guess I can't stay long. 

Mrs. T. Oh, you can stay all day just as well as 
not, and I'm going to make you sia}^ so 3^ou had 
just as well take off your bonnet. 

Mrs. P. Well, I'll stay if you won't go to much 
extra trouble about dinner. (Takes off her bonnet.) 
I hav'nt any appetite at all, so if you don't have 
an^/thing for dinner but fried chicken and ham and 
eggs, and boiled cabbage and turnips and potatoes, 
and pie and cake and plum pudding, and apple 
dumplings and sauce, and presen/^es and jelh% and 
good bread and butter, and coffee, I can make out 
very well. I didn't come to eat, no how. 
(Johnny laughs.) 

Mrs. P. Now, Johnny, what are you laughing 
at ? Sister Thoughtless, do 3^ou think he was laugh- 
ing at me ? 

Mrs. T. I wouldn't be surprised, he often laughs 
at almost nothing. 

Mrs. P. He ought to be admonished. .If I felt 
able I'd give him a real good talking to about such 
conduct, but my head f^els too full and bad for such 
ififertioni 



SHORT DIALOGUES. 5 

Johnny. Ma}^ be 3'ou've slept with 3-our head 
too low, and 3^our brains have run down into it. 

Mrs. T. Jonhn3% 3'ou mustn't put in when older 
folks are talking. Go out and pile up that wood as I 
told you to. (Exit Johruw.) I'm afraid Johnny's 
getting too sharp and sauc}^ 

Mrs. P. The pertness of all children now-da\'S is 
enough to tr}" the patience of a saint. (Takes out 
her knitting.) I brought ni}^ knitting along. I 
don't believe in being idle. 

Mrs. T. Neither do I, and like 3^ou, wdien I go 
out to spend the da3' I ahva3'S take m3^ knitting 
along. One so enj03'S talking when knitting." 

Mrs. P. Yes, and knitting is good for ner\'OUS- 
ness, and I'm so nervous and w^orried about so man3' 
poor folks coming into our church, and Cheer3' Jones 
and Charit3^ Good are a good deal to blame for this, 
for the3^ took pains to invite poor outsiders to our 
church and saw to it that tlie3^ were seated w^ell up 
in front when the3^ came. And Brother Wise hur- 
ried to them to shake hands with them, and said to 
them, like he ]MEA^'T it, "I'm so glad to see 3^ou 
here, friends. I hope 3'ou vv'ill come as often as 3XU 
can. We need 3'our help." I told him I was 
afraid our church would be over-burdened with poor 
folks. He just said, "And the poor have the gospel 
preached to them." Cheer3^ Charit3' and SivSter 
Wise are arranging to give a free Thanksgiving din- 
ner for the poor folks in our midst, but the3' will not 
get an3^thing from me for it. I ge^ye them a piece of 
m3^ mind about such doings. If we have an3^thing 
to give w^e ought to send it to the poor heathen in 
foreign lands. 

Mrs. T. Well, I never thought of that when they 
came to see if I would give an3^thing toward the 
dinner. Charit3' said it w^as our dut3'^ to see to it 
that every one in our communit3^ has something on 



6 SHORT DIAI.OGUES. 

Thanksgiving day for which to be thankful, "if it is 
nothing more than a good dinner. Charity said, 
''The more happiness we dispense the more good 
we can accomplish," and she thought w^e could give 
more happiness according to the expense, in giving 
a good dinner on that day to those who otherwise 
would not, have such a dinner, than we could in any 
other way. So I told them I'd roast my biggest 
turke3^ and send them for the dinner. Cheery said, 
' 'You must come and help eat it, for v/e want enough 
well-to-do people present to keep the poor from feel- 
ing that they are a separate class." Brother Wise 
and Deacon Jones are going to be there and do all 
they can toward the success of the undertaking, and 
Mr. Irony says he will do eveiything within his 
wife's powder toward getting up the dinner, and all 
within his owm power toward getting away v ith it. 

Mrs. P. Oh, dear! Such worldliness. 
(Enter Cheery Jones.) 

Cheery. Good morning, friends. Who comes 
oftener than I do, Mrs. Thoughtless ? 

Mrs. T. They who come twice to 3^our once. 
But I'm glad to see you any time. You are alwa3^s 
so cheerful and good natured. 

Mrs. P. It is eas}^ enough to be good na- 
tured when one has every^thing her own way, as you 
have, sister Jones. But if ^^ou couldn't do as you 
please and had to worr}^ like other women do, may- 
be 3^ou Vv^ouldn't be any better natured than other 
folks. 

Mrs. Jones. I den' t know of any law or com- 
mand sa3dng, thou shalt worry, and as worry ing 
never does an3^ good, I keep as free from it as possi- 
ble. I don't even v/oriy about the comet, though 
Bill N3^e sa3^s, "A comet is as good a thing to wor- 
ry about as an3^ thing he knows of." 

(Enter I^eaeon Jones and Mr. Irony,) 



SHORT DIALOGUES. 7 

Deacon. Good morning, folks. Isn't this a beau- 
tiful day ? 

Mrs. T. It's just perfect, and so enjoyable. 

Mrs. P. We should ever bear in "mind that 
there's nothing perfect here. 

Mr. I. Indeed we should. True, the day seems 
bright and beautiful, and there's not a cloud visible 
anywhere, but as I came along I noticed a place in 
the sky where it looked like there might be a cloud 
in a few da^^s. So folks had better go slow about 
enjoying such a da}' as this; it's nothing but a 
weather breeder. 

Deacon. That's what Brother Growler says, and 
he's afraid it will rain before he can get his Vvdfe to 
carry the wood into the shed. He said he ordered 
her to carry it in to-da}^, but she said she didn't 
have time. He sa3"S she w^ont obe}^ him any more 
only just as she pleases, and so, Cheer^^, he v/ants 
you to go over and give her a talking to about it. 

Mrs. P. A woman had better learn to obey her 
OWN husband, before she goes to lecturing othkr 
women for not obeying theirs. Charity begins at 
home. 

Cheery. Yes, but it doesn't end there, else it is 
not charity, but onlj^ selfishness. 

Mr. I. Deacon, from what Mrs. Pharisee says, 
I judge your wife does not alv/ays obey you. 

Deacon. My wife always does just what I want 
her to do. 

Mrs. P. Why ! Deacon Jones, every^ body 
knovvs that Cheery ahvays does just as she pleases. 

Deacon, Well, that's just v/hat I want her to do. 

Mrs. P. But Paul commanded wives to obey 
iheif hu^band.^i 

^Meryi Wttai^f iUa^- M'>^n{ was gnly a m^fii 



8 SHORT DIAI^OGUES. 

Mrs. P. That's blasphemy, Sister Jones, yoit 
ought to read your bible more. 

Cheery. I've read my bible enough to know that 
Paul wasn't the Lord. 

Deacon. Hurrah for you, Cheery. You're no 
fool, if you are ni}' wife. 

Mr. I. No, 'taint ket chin'. (Deacon, Cheer^^ and 
Mrs. T. laugh.) 

Mrs. P. It shocks me to hear church members 
laughing out so. 

Mr. I. Yes, it is awfuIv. I never even SMII.K 
above a whisper. Such hilarit}^ among bur church 
members might cause me to lose my religion, if I 
didn't keep it bottled up and only take the cork out 
on Sunday and at prayer meetings. 

Mrs. T. I think we've got off the question. 

Cheer}'. Yes. To obey — or not to obe}'- — that's 
tlie question. Whether 'tis nobler in a wife to sac- 
rifice her individuality on the alter of obedience to 
her husband, or to maintain her inherent right 
to exercise her own will and judgment. To obey — 
to yield, no moreH:o plan, or vSpeak, or act for self, 
than if her reason were dethroned — 'tis wet blanket- 
ism, devoutly to be shunned. To obe}^ — and thus, 
perchance, consign to disuse her own God-given 
power for good, aye, there's the rub. For power 
unused is power abused, than which there is no 
greater vSource of misery and wrong. 

Mrs. T. I never thought of THAT before. Clieeiy, 
you are some on argument. 

Mr. I. Aren't you afraid you'll get churched for 
herCvSy, Mrs. Jones, for producing such arguments ? 

Cheery. I answer your question by asking one. 
Can "They twain shall be one flesh" mean that a 
wife should wrap her talents in a napkin of self- 
subordination and bury it beneath her husband's 



SHORT DIAI^OGUES. 9 

rule ? I pause for a reph\ 

Mr. I. Mrs. Pharisee, I'll let you answer Mrs. 
Jones. 

Mrs. P. I don't think it is becoming for women 
to be arguing questions, and if all women were like 
me, they vvould have so man}' things to worr>' them 
in their ovv^n sphere, they wouldn't think of an^^- 
thing else. 

Mrs. T. Cheer}^ wont let an3'thing worry her. 

Mr. I. If she had as much cause for worrsang as 
I have, she couldn't help it. For instance, I have 
just heard of six cures for rheumatism, and not one 
of our famil}^ has got it; and I had my life insured 
twent}' years ago, and here I am not dead 3'et; and 
that isn't all I have to wony about, there's m^^ 
pumpkms. 

Deacon. Your pumpkins ! What cause have 
3'ou for worr3^ing about them ? The}^ are as fine, 
large pumpkins as I ever saw, and the}^ are about 
as thick on the ground as they could grow. 

Mr. I. (Dolefully) Yes, but I think I've seen 
pumpkins a little bit YELLOWER. (Laughter.) 

Mrs. P. With so much nonsense and frivolity 
among our church members, it is no Vv'onder the 
world is getting worse. 

Mrs. T. You ahva^^s have vSuch poor health, Mrs. 
Pharisee, I don't expect 3^ou ever feel like laughing. 
Don't 3'ou think the impure smell from the bone- 
dust factor}^ so close to 3'our house causes 3^our bad 
health ? 

Mrs. P. No, indeed, for "to the pure, all 
things are pure." 

Mr. I. (Aside.) I wonder where Mrs. Phari- 
see's wings are ? 

Mrs. J. (Aside.) You know all angels don't 
have wings. 



lo SHORT DIAI.OGUES. 

Mr. I. (Aside.) No, but all GKESK do. 

Deacon. Cheery, Brother Irony came over to 
help fix up a table for the Thanksgiving dinner, and 
we want your advice about how to fix it. 

Mrs. J. All right. Let's go right av/ay and get 
at it. 

(Exeunt Mr. and Mrs. J. and Mr. Irony.) 

Mrs. T. (Rising.) I must go and get about 
dinner. 

Mrs. P. (Rising.) I'll go to the kitchen with 
you, and sit there while 3^ou're getting dinner, if 
you have no objections. 

Mrs. T. Certainly not; just come right along. 
Curtain. 

Scene II. — Mrs. Thoughtless, Mr. and Mrs. Wise 
and Deacon and Mrs. Jones all seated at a supper 
table. 

Deacon. Sister Thoughtless, v/asn't that a pow- 
erful sermon Brother Wise gave us last Sunday ? 

Mrs. T. Indeed it was. It seems like a pity to 
bring such a preacher as you. Brother Wise, to this 
small place, a worse preacher would have done, if 
we had only known where to find him. (Passes 
the cake and each takes a piece, leaving only one 
piece on the cake plate. Here Johnny slips in and 
stands behind Mrs. Thoughtless.) 

Mrs. T. I have no wine to offer you. I don't 
keep any about the house on Johnny's account. 

Mr. Wise. I'm glad to hear it. Doubtless thous- 
ands of drunkards ark such, because of wine in 
their honles when the}' v/ere children. 

Mrs, Jones. I believe that if mothers would place 
the qtlafaiitiiie of pi^ollibition over ever}- home door, 
clear aWay the cider caskj wine bottle and tobacco_ 
pouch, children might reach manh^-'-^^d pnd woman- 



SHORT DIAI^OGUES. ii 

hood with natural and untainted appetites, and sa- 
loons would go down for want of patronage. 

Mrs. W. And if the homes were quarantined 
against evil communications, children might grow 
up purer minded, more charitable and more zealous 
in good works. "Beware of little ears," is advice 
vv^ell worth heeding. Hence, when in the presence 
of children we should especially guard well our con- 
versation and let no unjust or uncharitable remarks 
about others pass our lips. 

Deacon. Sister Thoughtless, 5^our Cake is so good 
I'll have to have another piece. 

Mrs. T. Certainly. (Passes it and he takes the 
last piece.) 

Johnny sobs out. Ma, there goes the last piece 
of cake, manners and all. 

Curtain. 



BOYS' TAI,K. 

Characters: — Sam, Dick, Bob, Will, Pat, Roy, each 
supplied with fishing rod and hook. 

Scene. — Sam, Dick, Bob and Will seated on a log 
and each wmittlng. Enter Pat, whistling. 

Sam. Hello, Pat, we're ahead of 3^ou. 

Pat. Yis, I had to fince up that lot by our house 
afore I could come. 

Dick. What's the use of fencing up that lot; it's 
so poor a cow would stance to death on it. 

Pat. Shure und that's what fur I finced it, so 
our cov/ couldn't git on it and starv^e to death. 

Enter Roy, saying: Hurrah, bo3-s, you beat me 
here, didn't you? I got so interested reading about 
the contested mats in Congress, I like to have foj"- 



[2 SHORT DIALOGUES. 

gotten about our aiming to go a fxshing to-da3^ 
Bob. It isn't quite the time we were to start from 

lere, and Math hasn't come yet, so while we're 

vaiting for him let's have a little talk on what we 

ntend to be when we're men. 
Will. All right. I intend to be a farmer. A 

armer is generally one of the most free, useful and 

Lonored of men. 

Roy. You are away off there, Will. Farmers 
.re nothing but servants and drudges for the rest of 
[lankind, and are considered nobodies. 

Bob. I think you are badty mistaken, Roy. To- 
Lay an honest, intelligent farmer is considered the 
•eer of an}^ man in our countrv\ A farmer once 
aid: "On my farm I am king. No man can spit 
Dbacco juice about me, or befoul ni}^ air with smoke 
:om their mouths, or make me listen to vSwearing or 
ny impure talk. I do not have to put up with any- 
ody's impudence as a matter of business polic}-." 

Will. That's so. A farmer can be one of the 
lost free and independent of men. Hk does not 
ave to bow to the public to secure patronage, and 
e can go a fishing, or on a pleasure trip without 
:ar of losing custom b}^ being away from his busi- 
ess. I challenge you to name another vocation 
^here adherents are more free in this respect. 

Sam. I say, hurrah for the farmer, but I intend 
) be a lawyer, and any time 3^ou wish legal advice, 
i^ill, I'll be at your service. 

Will. Thank you, but I intend to keep my 
inces in good repair and keep farm implements suf- 
cient for my ovvm use, so I'll not have to borrow, 
nd mind my own truck patch instead of minding 
HAT of my neighbor, hence, I'll not be likety to 
eed much legal advice. 

Sam. Perhaps not much, but you'll need some 
dvice about posting your farm, etc. 



SHORT DIAI^OGUES. 13 

Will. I don't know as I'll post my farm. If 
there is not already a law making posting farms as 
unnecessary as posting a store room would be, I'll 
stir up my fellow farmers on the subject and we will 
have such a law enacted at once. 

Sam. Your head's level. If I can make as good 
a lav/yer as you will a farmer, I'll be satisfied. But 
I guess we've taken tip our share of the time, Will. 
Let up hear from some others now. Pat, I guess it's 
your time. 

Pat. Shure, and I'm going to be an Amirican, 
thin I kin do ever}^ thing. 

Dick. I want to see you vvhen you are carr^dng 
water in a sieve. 

Pat. All right, Come around when it frazes. I 
say, Hurrah for Amiriky. It's the grandest coun- 
try on the earth. There's the most land here, and 
the most to eat, and Vv^e've got ever3^thing in the 
wurruld. 

Will. We havn't an}^ 3,949-foot volcanoes, like 
the one six miles east of Naples. 

Bob. But that's nothing. We have a waterfall 
that would put it out in three shakes. 

Pat. Yis, und our waterfall kapes up its business 
all the time, stiddy be jerks. 

Sam. Yes, and is always at home when a fellow 
calls to see it, which is more than can be said of any 
volcano. Say, Pat, pa w^ants a boy to work with 
me this summer, and I believe you'd just suit, but 
3^ou mustn't die on our hands like the last boy pa 
had hired did. 

Pat. I've a ricomendation to prove I niver died 
on anybody's hands. 

Sam. How many children are there of you ? 
Pat, Jist me and the baby's all. 
Satiit Is the baby a boy or a girl ? 



14 SHORT DIAI^OGUES. 

Pat. Guess. 

Sam. Well, I'll guess it's a boy. 

Pat. Faith, und 3^ez missed it. Guess again. 

Sam. Well, it's a girl, then. 

Pat. Faith, somebody's been telling yez. 

Dick. I think it's about ni}^ time to speak now. 
I intend to be a humorous lecturer. I think there is 
lots of charity in making people laugh and forget 
their troubles. Happy laughter shakes the cobwebs 
from one's brains. 

Roy. You might give us a sample of your lec- 
tures now, so as to clear our brains. 

Dick. All right, here goes. lyadies and gentle- 
men, I feel like I owe you an apology for appearing 
before you with dingy cuffs. Thinking to get them 
laundried, I asked one of your citizens ifhis wife took 
in washing, and he said, "Of course she does. You 
didn't suppose she would leave it out over night 
v/hen 3^ou are out of jail, did ycu?" That discour- 
aged me, so I concluded to let my cuffs go dingy. I 
will now proceed with my lecture. The only hin- 
drance to my being the best lecturer out is my youth, 
but I'll outgrow THAT. But this is a youth's age, or 
rather a children's age as the following will prove: 
*'An old gentleman, while preaching, was horrified 
on discovering his little son behind him in the pul- 
pit pelting his congregation with peanuts, and on the 
old gentleman's stopping his preaching to reprove 
his boy, the boy said: "Go ahead and tend to your 
preaching, daddy, and I'll tend to keeping 'em 
awake." I thank you, ladies and gentlemen. 

Bob. I think of being a temperance lecturer. 
How does that strike you, boys. 

Pat. Make us a spache and v/e'll tell ye. 

Bob. All right. Ladies and gentlemen: If a 
young man, to whom all in your community are 



SHORT DIALOGUES. 15 

strangers, comes to live among 3^ou, don't stand 
aloof with folded hands, and let the saloonkeepers 
get ahead of you in offering him friendship, 
and inviting him to social gatherings, for who 
does not tr}^ to keep one from the saloon is as 
responsible for his going there as the one who invites 
him to go there, for who allows a wrong shares in it. 
To the boys of this audience I willsa}^ if you. would 
not be a slave to alcohol never take the first glass of 
liquor. If you would escape the awful diseases 
caused b3'' the tobacco habit, never taste the weed in 
any form. Grasp all the information that you can 
on the effect of alcohol and tobacco on the human 
system and 3'ou vrill sureh' never taste either. 

Pat. Whin I git big I believe I'll go over to auld 
Ireland and make some spaches like Bob's. But 
wont I go for the saloonkeepers ? 
' Dick. The saloonkeeper will probably retaliate 
and go for you, and if you don't get out of their way . 
in less than five minutes the3^'ll kill 3^ou. 

Pat. Thin I'll git out of their wa^' in less thin 
five minutes. 

Dick. Then ^^ou'll be a coward. I'd rather stand 
ni}' ground for five minutes anyhow than to be a 
coward. 

Pat. vShure, und it's me that would ruther be a 
coward for five minutes than be a dead man the rest 
of me life. R03-, it's your time now. 

Roy. Well, I should think so; so I'll take the 
floor. I intend to be a politician like .pa, and run 
for office. I'm keeping m3^self posted up on the po- 
litical news. I read all about the contested seats in 
the Legislature and in Congress. 

Bob. It will make no difference how well versed 
3'ou are in political news, you'll have to change your 
tune about the farmers before 3'ou can be elected to 
an}' office. In this da}' woe unto the candidate 



16 SHORT DIAI.OGUES. 

who looks upon farmers as being mere drudges and 
inferiors. 

Roy. Well, if anybody sa^^s I look upon farmers 
thus, it's a political lie. I think farmers are as good 
as anybody and worthy to be on an equality with the 
greatest men in our land, so Will, I want you to just 
put yourself on an equality with me. 

Will. I'd have to blow ni}^ brains out. 

Roy. I like your joking, but you're pretty inde- 
pendent in your talk. 

Will. Well, didn't I tell you farmers are an in- 
dependent set. I want to fully impress this upon 
your mind before you start out stumping. 

Sam. Yes, and you had better study up on man- 
ners, too. I saw you stand and stare at two ladies 
you met the other day, until the}^ got out of your 
sight. Were you admiring their camels-hair dresses? 

Roy. How do you know they had on camels-hair 
dresses ? 

Sam. Why, I guess I could see the humps. 

Ro}^ Well, to tell the truth, I did not notice 
THKiR DRESS at all, I was too intent on keeping a 
portion of my own apparel from their view in case 
they should look back, for I had just been sitting 
under a farmer's apple tree, and the farmer's dog 
came and contested my vSeat. 

Dick. Ha, ha, ha, you'lIv do, Roy. Noav favor 
us with a sample of your stump speeches. 

Roy. With pleasure, if you'll conduct yourselves 
like unto big folks at political speakings. 

Sam. We will, and I will introduce you to the 
audience like I recently teard your pa introduce a 
fepeakdfi You J^tattd ba^ till I get through. La- 
dies atid gentieirieii: I Mte the llonof of .intrndticing 
to you a gen tiemaii whij^is known frotti Maine! , to 
feenaebee atld from Cal^fr^riiig to Sacramento ' n fiepr^ 



SHORT DIALOGUES. 17 

tienian whose name as a statesman and patriot has 
>pread all over the length and breadth of our land 
ciud is a household word in ever}^ home, and is so 
firmly fixed on the minds of our people, that it can 
never for one moment be forgotten by a single indi- 
vidual in this countnr. This gentleman of such note 

is none other than the Honorable Mr. Mr. 

tlie Honorable Mr. Mist er Honorable Mist er 

Turning to Roy) What is 3^our name; I've forgot- 
ten. (Ro}^ tells him.) Oh, yes, the Honorable Mr. 
Ro}^ vvho w^ill now addrevSs 3^011. 

Roy. (Applause.) Ladies and gentlemen: I feel 
highly honored b}^ the gentleman's eulogistic intro- 
duction of in}- humble self to this veiy intelligent au- 
dience. (Great applause.) I fear ni}' remarks w411 
fall far short of the expectations of this w^orth}^ as- 
sembly (Boys applaud.) But I am in the hands of my 
friends in the service of my party. Our's is the 
party for the mavSses, instead of the classes, and is 
the only political part}' which is composed entirely 
of honest, upright and intelligent people. (Appluse. ) 
I w^ant to say right here, If I am elected, and I 
SHALTv be, I will look after the interests of all claSvSes, 
especialh' farmers, and I w^ant you to remember 
wdien 3^ou vote for me 3^ou vote for an honest man 
who has the good of our people at heart. There is 
no shoddy about me. I'm all W^OOL and a yard 
WIDE. (Spreads out his arms.) I understand there 
are some persons present wdio desire to ask me some 
questions. I'm now ready and shall be pleased to 
answer an}' questions. 

Will. What made 3'ou leave our party and come 
out against old }>Ir. Hanks ? 

Roy. I didn't leave your party, your party left 
me. 

Will. Oh, you cokhrt keep up, eh? Well, 
Hanks is an able man and I think I'll vote for him; 
he's o:ood enou'^h. 



i8 SHORT DIALOGUES. 

Roy. Certainl}^ Mr. Hanks is an able man, a 
VERY able man, btit he's held the office for the last 
ten years. You don't want to keep the same man in 
one office ahva^vs, do 3^ou ? Holding office is like 
farming. You are a good farmer, and you believe 
in the rotation of crops, don't 3^011 ? 

Will. Yes, but I'm not going to plant last ^^ear's 
potatoe patch in skunk cabbage for the sake of rota- 
tion of crops. 

Dick. Mr. Speaker, what is a political caucus ? 

Ro3^ I think it's where a lot of men get together 
and vote as one man tells them to. 

Bob. Mr. Ro}^ give us \^our \^ews on the Tem- 
perance question, if 3'ou please. 

Ro3\ I would be pleased to do so, biit that v/ould 
be out of order at a political • meeting. I think 
whisky shxOuld be kept out of politics. 

Sam. If you had said whisky should be kept out 
of politicians 3-ou'd have hit the nail on the head. 

Bob. That's so, Sam; I think 3^ou make a good 
judge for our court. 

Ro3^ If there are no more questions I will close 
m3' remarks. On election da3^ you voters must re- 
member to vote for me earhv' and often, and watch 
the other side or they Vv^ll get in fraudulent votes. 
(Applause.) Ladies and gentlemen, I thank 3^oufor 
3^our high appreciation of m3^ remarks, (Applause.) I 
would like for all of 3"OU to com^e to the stand at the 
close of this meeting so I can shake hands v/ith 3'OU. 
Again I thank 3x^1. (Resumes his seat.) 

Sam. Ladies and gentlemen, I propose three 
cheers for our part3^ and Mr. Ro3^ — Hip, hip, hip, 
(AH) Hurrah! hurrah! hurrah! (603- s rush up to 
shake hands with Ro^^) 

Dick. Whooppeel Yonder com es Math; let's be 
iRff in a hurry, now? 



SHORT DIALOGUES. 19 

The other boys. All right. (All start oii whist- 
Ung.) 

Curtain. 



DISTRICT SCHOOL ON FRIDAY AFTER- 
NOON. 

Characters: Teacher, Rufus, George, Charlie', John, 
Lizzie, James, Mar}^, Ida, Willie, Joseph, Dora, 
Sadie, Ruth, Luc}'. 

Scene: — School in session. 

Teacher. We will now have miscellaneous ex- 
ercises. First on our programme is questions and 
answers. Let each remember to stand while an- 
swering a question, and also cite instances to verify 
your answers. Who discovered America ? 

Joe. It wasn't me. 

Teacher. Well, 3'ou tr^- to find out VN'ho it v/as, 
and tell us tomorrow. What is said of the pov/er of 
the human voice ? 

Luc^^ The human voice is povrerful enough to 
tear down a house with. For instance, craz}^ Jake 
tore down the stairs with a shrill shriek. 

Teacher. If an^r of 3'ou are not satisfied with an 
answer as given, don't be afraid to get up and say so. 
What is a Demagogue ? 

Rufus. A demagogue holds alcoholic liquors. 

Mary. That's a demijohn. A demagogue is any 
factious man, who has influence with the great body 
of people in a city or community. 

Ben. That's no sign he don't hold alcoholic 
liquors. 

Teacher. What is the noblest work of God ? 

Charlie. It is said, "An honest man i.s the no- 



20 - SHORT DIALOUGES. 

James. That aint so, for ni}^ mother is nobler 

than ANY MAN. 

Teacher. What is the promise to those who hon- 
or their parents ? 

Carrie. ''Honor thy father and mother, and th}^ 
days shall be long upon the land. ' ' 

Luc3^ I honored my parents yesterday, but the 
da}^ was not a bit longer for me. I had to go to bed 
as early as ever last night. 

Teacher. What is true courtes}^ ? 

Gsorge. True courtesy consists in always doing 
as you would be done by, and never doing as 3^ou 
Avouldn't be done by. For instance, don't look 
around and pay no attention when one is talking to 
you, and when he gets through ask him to repeat 
what he said; don't jest at anothers's expense; don't 
persist in talking on subjects that the rest of the com- 
pany know nothing about; don't ridicule the imper- 
fections of others; don't boast of 3^our ancestors, for 
you cant soar on their fame. 

James. The less a man amounts to, the prouder 
he is of his ancestors, and does little else but boast of 
them, and depends on their fame to carr}- him 
through the world, but he generall}^ finds himself 
left, aniyoiiiniy b^ sure his ancestors couldn't be 
proud of him. The question in this countr^^ is not 
what were your ancestors and what did the}' do, but 
what are you, and what have you done ? 

Lizzie. I think the most general question in this 
country is, what are 3'ou worth ? We'd better keep 
still about our remote ancestors, for according to 
Darwin, the}^ did nothing in the world but monke}^ 
around. (Willie begins to whistle.) 

Teacher. Who is w^histling in school ? 

Joe. Mk ! Didn't you know I could whistle ? 

Teacher. Wlty no. But you mustn't whistle in 



SHORT DIALOGUES. 21 

school. Can you tell me v»'liat whisk}' does to a 
man when he drinks it ? 

Wille. Don't you know ? It makes him drunk. 

Charlie. Whisky kindles up a fire in a fellow's 
stomach which cooks his brain. 

Teacher. Who was the strongest man that ever 
lived. 

John. It is said the strongest man that ever lived 
was Samson, but I think Jonah was the strongest 
man. For instance, the whale couldn't hold him af- 
ter he got him down. (Willie goes noisily to get a 
drink.) 

Teach. Willie, see if you can go back to 3'our 
place more quietly. Go like a mouse. 

Willie. All right. (Gets down and creeps along 
on his hands and feet. ) 

Teacher. Willie, get up. You ma^^ come and 
sit b}^ me for the present. (Willie gets up and sits b}' 
teacher. ) What is honest}' ? 

Sadie Honest}^ is to think, speak and act the 
truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, 
for instance, Simon Peter and Andrew, his brother, 
were noted for honest}-, because they owned up 
that they had been fishing all night and hadn't 
caught anything. 

Teacher. Ruth, what is absent-mindedness ? 

Ruth. Absent-mindedness is forgetting who you 
are. For instance, A man put a card on his office 
door saying, "Out, will return soon," and on his 
return he sat dowm on the step to vvait for himself. 

Teacher. Which are the most dangerous straits ? 

Ida. The most dangerous straits are wliisk\' 
straits, but if you never take the first drink }'Ou'll 
never get into these strait?^. 

T^-acher. Dora, do you know anything aboiit 
disappointments? 



22 SHORT DIALOUGES. 

Dora. Everybody knows something about disap- 
pointments. This world is full of them. For in- 
stance, I started to make my doll a bonnet, and it 
came out a pair of pants. 

Charlie. If at first you don't succeed, try, try 
again. 

Teacher. John, what is an anthem ? 

John. Well, if I say, Bill, give me that blue 
book, that is not an anthem, hnt if I sa)^ Bill-Bill- 
Bill-give-give-give-give me, give me that-Bill, give 
me, give me that blue, give me that blue, blue-book, 
book-Bill give-give me that-that blue-blue book- 
book-book-book, all-men Bill, givemethatbluebook, 
book, ah-men, wh}^ that is anthem. 

Ida. An anthem is a sacred piece of music set to 
words taken from the Scriptures. 

Teacher. That's correct. Joe, can you tell who 
wrote the Declaration of Independence ? 

Joe. It wavSn't mk. 

James. It is thought that Thomas Jefferson was 
the author of the Declaration of Independence. 

Ruth. I think Abigail Adams was its author. A 
prominent newspaper, commenting on one of her let- 
ters to her husband, John Adams, said, "Here was a 
declaration of independence preceding by seven 
months that v/hich has become so famous. It should 
never be forgotten that side by side the men and 
w^omen of the Revolution objected to and protested 
against taxation without representation." 

Teacher. Who began the late civil war ? 

Joe. I never. 

Ida. The Confederates, luider Gen. Beauregard, 
; began the war b}' an attack on Fort Sumter. 

Teacher. Willie, 3^ou can go to your seat, now. 
(Willie gets up but stands still.) 

Teacher. What are you waiting for ? 



SHORT DIALOGUES. 23 

Willie. I'm waiting for the present. 

Teacher. The present ? What for ? 

Willie. For sittin' b}^ you. You told me to vSit 
b3^ 3'ou for the present. 

Teacher. Well, go to 3'our seat, novr, and I'll 
see what I can find for 3^ou. (Goes to his seat.) 
We will hear 3^our composition, Dora. 

Dora. Boys is nw subject. Bo3'S is awful wear- 
in' on ever3^thing but soap. When a bo3^ does an3^- 
thing mean he never feels a bit bad about it, but 
just goes ahead having a good time. A girl isn't 
that Vv^a3\ Aunt Luc}^ heard there was going to be 
a C3^clone down where she lives, so she sent her three 
bo3^s up to vSta3^ at our house till it blowed over, and 
the3^ hadn't more'n got there till the3" had the cat 
shut up in the flour chest, and broke up our sitting 
hens. The3' laughed at me 'cause I'se a girl, and 
were so naught3^ I had to send m3^ doll awa3' from 
home to keep them from corrupting her morals. 
The3' knocked off our green fruit, and just turned 
things topS3^-tur^^e3^, and just 3^eHed and hollered 
around like mad. vSo papa Vvrote to aunt to please 
take her bo3\s home and send the C3^clone up. M3^ 
papa is so nice I think he must have been a little 
girl v/hen he was a little bo3^ If I hadm3^ wa3% one- 
half of the little boys in the world would be little 
girls, and the other half would be dolls. The end. 

Teacher. Next, we will hear 3'0uressa3^, George. 

George. The tobacco habit. It *vSeems strange 
that this habit is so prevalent, when it has been 
proven that tobacco, either smoked or chewed, at- 
tacks all the functions essential to life, beginning 
with the center, the heart. On being asked as to the 
effect of tobacco on the brain, a prominent physician 
replied, "I don't know. Nobod3^ who has an3^ brains 
uses tobacco. " Of course he was onl3^ joking. But 
still, when I see a stranger smoking I feel sure he is 



24 SHORT DIALOGUES . 

not a college professor, a scientist, or a preacher, or 
a noted lecturer. The tobacco habit is a ver}^ filth}^ 
habit. Horace Greeley- said: "Go to a crowded gath- 
ering where a few smokers have introduced them- 
selves, a cigar projecting beneath the nose of each, a 
fire at one end and a fool at the other, and mark 
how the puff puffing transforms the air; they are 
wanting in appreciation of what is due to others. 
An eminent preacher calls the smoking car a pig- 
pen on wheels. I'll never use tobacco in any form, 
for nicotine, one of it products, is the most powerful 
ner^^e poisons known and has no known antidote. 
I heard that one drop of nicotine on a dog's nose 
will kill a man. 

Teacher. John, how" vvas it I saw you making 
faces when George was reading ? 

John. I don't know. I held ni}^ slate up so I 
thought you couldn't see nie. 

Teacher. Well, don't you let me catch you mak- 
ing faces again. 

John. I won't if I can help it. I didn't aim for 
3'ou to catch me at it this time. 

Teacher. Be still now. Rufus, we will hear 
your composition next. 

Rufus. Girls is my subject. I wouldn't be a 
girl for an3'thing, 'cause then I couldn't play foot- 
ball, nor climb trees, nor do anything but pla^^ with 
dolls and such silly things as that. I have four 
brothers, Ike and Joe and Jim and me, and nary 
girl among us to be all the time hollerin' at ma to 
make us be vStill. T'other da}/ vv^e were turning sum- 
mersaults and tr3'ing to see who could holler the 
loudest, when Miss Prude came in, and she said to 
ma. "I should think four such boy would destroy 
your piece of mind /^ That riled Ike, and he up 
and aaid to Mi.^B Prude, ''Ma's got a whole mind. 
She dnt Ukf yow.-^ But ina Baid, "Boys will b^ 



SHORT DiAlvOGUES. 25 

boys." Then Miss Prude said, "It's a pity one of 
your bo3^s hadn' t been a girl. " Sol up and said, 
"I'd like to know who'd a been 'er. I wouldn't a 
a been 'er, Joe v/ouldn't a been 'er, Ike wouldn't a 
been 'er, and we all know Jim wouldn't a been 'er, 
'cause when the preacher said 'You must all be 
born again,' Jim cried right out in meetin', he was 
so 'fraid he'd be a girl next time." 

Teacher. I expect 3^ou will change your opinion 
about girls b}^ the time 3^0 u are grown. Lizzie, we 
will hear your essay now. 

Lizzie. Guard well th}- thoughts, for thoughts 
are heard in heaven. As we think, so are we. 
How important it is that we not only harbor no evil 
thoughts, but that we think good thoughts. Evil 
thoughts may unbidden comb but thc}^ don't unbid- 
den STAY, and onh' so far as w^e harbor a thought 
are we responsible for its results. As are our 
thoughts so are our Vv^ords. I think it was Todd 
who said, "Remember that every w.ord 3^ou utter 
wings it way to the throne of G-od, and is to affect 
the condition of 3''our soul forever. ' ' As our happi- 
ness depends on our thoughts, let us be ever on the 
alert for a good thought, and w^hen we find it, as we 
certainh^ will, for no one ever looked in vain for good, 
let us hold it up for others to enjo3^ and straight- 
wa3" unselfishh^ apply it to some good purpose, so 
shall w^e accomplish that for which this life v/as giv- 
en us, and glorify/ our Father in Heaven. 

Teacher. Has an3'one an3^ questions to ask ? 
. George. If our ancestors were monke3''S, as Liz- 
zie intimated the3^ were, wdiat are w^e ? 

James. Wh3^, we're dudHS, of course, for it is 
plain to ever\diody that a dude is a monke3^ without 
a tail, 

Mary, Which is the highe;st mottntain of North 
America? 



26 SHORT DIALOGUES. 

Teacher. Joe, can you answer that question ? 

Joe. 'Taint mk. 

Ida. According to the latCvSt bulletin of the 
American Geographical Society Mt. I,ogan is the 
highest mountain of North America; it is 19,500 
feet high, therefore, by 1,500 feet higher than Mt. 
St. Elias in Alaska, which has been thought the 
highest. 

Sadie. Who \vas George Washington's father ? 

Teacher. Can't some of you little bo3'S tell us 
who George Washington's father was ? 

Joe. It w^asn't me. 

John. George Washington's father w^as the 
grand-father of his countr3\ 

Ida. What is the meaning of "Make hay w^hile 
the sun shines?" 

Rufus. I guess it means that 3^ou've got to make 
all the money 3\ou can before Congress takes up, so 
as to have something to live on till it's out. 

Sadie. I think the meaning of "Make hay while 
the sun shines," is do good every time you have an 
opportunity, and don't vv^ait for a more convenient 
season to do what you ought to do now\ 

Teacher. It is time for the closing ceremony. 
The standard-bearer will please present the flag. 
(Standard-bearer retires to get the flag. Joe falls 
ofl' the bench, and hastily getting up says: "It 
w^asn ' t me . " ) (Laughter . ) 

Joe. Teacher, they are laughing at me. 

Ida. We w^ern't laughing at you, but at what 
3'OU did and said. (Re-enter standard-bearer wdth 
the flag and displays it at the teacher's desk, wdiere- 
upon the flag salute is given.) 

Teacher. Why do w^e honor and salute our flag ? 

Ruth. Because it is the emblem of the best 



SHORT DIALOGUES. 27 

government that 'ere the sun shone upon. Love 
of country is closely allied to love of G^d, and the 
salute to the flag is one of the means by which the 
little citizens of this Republic express their gratitude 
to God for the great privileges and opportunities 
which the S3"stem of education in the public schools, 
established and maintained b}^ the State, confers up- 
on and gives them, so with the salute begins the pa- 
triotic education of the children of the Republic, and 
with such education abroad in our land our country 
will be safe, and our flag continue to be honored by 
all the nations of the world. 

Teacher. School is dismissed now. 

(Scholars march out quieth^ preceded b}^ standard- 
bearer with flag.) 

Curtain. 



THE SOCIAL. 

Characters: Mr. and Mrs Gruff, Mr. Dude and 
Miss Dudine, Mr. Sharp, Miss Outspoken, Mrs. 
Witty, Mrs. Knowall. 

Scence. — Mr. Gruff coimting monev. Enter Mrs. 
Gruff". 

Mrs. G. There now I have put the baby to bed 
and got everything ready for our little vsocial. 

Mr. G. This lamp don't look like it's been 
trimmed for a month. I can't hardl}^ vSee how to count 
this money. I wivSh there was no such a thing as an 
election. Here I've got to pay a fellow on the oth- 
er side a lot of mone}^ because the election went 
wrong, and we'll have to live more economically or 
we'll be broke up. 

Mrs. G. I'll have to have five cents to buy a 
paper of pins. 



28 SHORT DIALOGUES. 

I 

Mr. G. What's become of that nickle's worth 
you got last year ? I can't spare you any money 
now to squander on pins; we can't afford luxuries 
these hard times; but it's about time for the folks 
to come, and it don't look to me like you've ar- 
ranged an3^thing right for the social. %P^u've fixed 
the chairs wrong, and got the piano in the wrong 
place, f 

Mrs. G. And worst of all, I'm afraid I've put 
the wrong baby to bed. There, I believe I hear 
some of the folks at the door now. I'll go and see. 
(Starts.) 

Mr. G. Don't you tell any of them that I bet on 
the election. 

Mrs. G. You need'nt be afraid I'll tell that. I'm 
too ashamed of it. ( Exit ) 

Mr.G. I'll bet she'll tell it. A woman can't keep sj> 
secret to save her life. (Re-enter Mrs. G., UvShering: 
in Mr. Dude, Miss Dudine, Miss Outspoken, Mr. 
Sharp and Mrs. Witty. Miss Dudine and Miss Out- 
spoken are seated, one on the right, the other on the 
left of Mr. Dude, the rest are seated on the opposite 
side of the room.) 

Mr. D. (Aside.) Miss Dudine I'm so glad you 
came heah to-night. I was afraid I would be the 
only one of the upper ten here, and the evening 
Would be a pufect drag to nle. 

Miss D. (Aside.) I'm delighted to see you 
here Mr. Dude, I was fearful I would be the only 
one of our set here, and I'd have a dull time of it. 
But ar'nt the vStars bright to-night ? I wish I'd stud- 
ied botany. ^ 

Mr. D. It's a pleasure to know the botanical 
names of the stars. (Turhitig to Mi&B 0.) I beg 
your tjardon Mia^ Outspoken^ 1 had forgotten you 
wem Itaah, Vm ateeiit-mitided, don't you know. \ 

IMwd Q, Y^«i I noticed the absence 6f mind. . 



SHORl" DIALOGUES. 29 

Miss D. Mr. Dude are 3''0U acquainted with I\Irs. 
Witty. 

Mr. D. No, but I'm not hankering after an in- 
iroduction to her. She does'nt look so ver3^ stylish. 

Miss D. No, but I'm afraid she will think hard 
of me if I don't give her an introduction to you. 
I'd hate for her to think I slighted her. She is 
quite wealth}'. 

Mr. D. Oh, well trot her out then. 

Miss D. Let us just step across the room to her 
and as soon as the introduction is over we can come 
back here. . 

Mr. D. Alright. (They go to Mrs. Witty.) 

Miss D. Mrs. Witty, this is Mr. Dude. 

Mrs. W. (Courtesies, looks at Dude a moment, 
then says,) "Trot him back." 

Mr. D. Ah now^ Mrs. Witt}' you needn't think 
you can get shed of me that eas}'. I've heard of 
3^our w^it and I'm going to sta}' here and have a chat 
with you. 

Mrs. W. Oh, I could easih' hear eveiy thing you 
said from where 3'ou and Miss Dudine were sitting, 
and I'm sure I can speak so 3^011 can hear me from 
there and will not feel a bit slighted if 3'ou go back 
there. 

Mr. D. Wasn't it bad form tor 3'ou to sa}', "trot 
him back ?" 

Mrs. W. Possibh' it was, but no worse for 3-0U 
to say "trot her out." (Enter Mrs. Knowall with 
shawd over her head.) 

Mrs. K. Good evenin' folks, I like to a been late 
didn't I? 

Mrs. G. "Better late than never." Take a 
chair. 

Mrs. K. (Takes off shawl and sits down.) I'd 



30 SHORT DIAI^OGUES. 

ruther be late than to have to lose time waiting for 
other folks. 

Mr. S. When you find out what a treat we're to 
have this evening you will be glad you came 
anyhow, if 3^on couldn't get here early. We are 
going to have a tableaux. 

Mr. K. Law^s, I know'd it. I smelt 'em. 

Miss D. Mr. Gruff do you enjoy cantatas ? 

Mr. G. I did'nt knovv^ they ever canned 'taters. 

Mrs. K. Laws, I knowedit. 

Mrs. W. There, Mr. Sharp, I reckon you are 
convinced now that women are more knowing than 
men are. 

Mr. G. The}' had better not know so much than 
to know so many things that ar'nt so. But if they 
knew as much as they think they do they'd be em- 
ployed in political campaigns. 

Mr. S. Well there are two women who are 
more employed in political campaigns than any 
number men, and the do more harm, break up more 
friendships and cause more bitterness in politics than 
all others. Happil}^ they're soon forgotten after 
election. Their names are Campaign Lies and 
Election Bets. 

Mrs. W. Just as I expected, the^^ are women 
only in name, and neither of them ever had any 
mother. 

Mr. G. Campaign lies may be soon forgetten, 
but I'll have to make a good deal of money before I 
can forget the last election bets. 

Mrs. W. Well Mr. Gruff, when w^e women get 
hold of the reins of government we'll banish election 
bets from this country by confisticating, for educa- 
tionat wrpo^e^i all mptiey^ Woti mi sltch bets, and 
dteirancmse the partklf aMl§ iH §uck bets^ 'til the^ 
learn sense enoiigh %e aiiit iti 



SHORT DIAI^OGUES. 31 

Mr. S. lyet's give women the right of suffrage 
immediately. What sa}^ 3^011 Mr. Gruff and Dude ? 

Mr. D. I say a women had better sta}^ in her 
sphere, and keep out of pohtics. She'd better stay 
at home arid tend to her business raising her children. 

Mrs. W. That's the last argument to which 
anti-suffragists resort when beaten. 

Mr. D. Weil I'll nevah marr}^ a strong-minded 
woman. 

Mrs. W. Well I guess yon won't. 

Mr. G. Women would pla3^ smash with the gov- 
ernment if thcA^ were allowed the right of suffrage. 
It is necessary to keep a great mau}^ secrets in poli- 
tics, and ever3^bod\^ knows that women can't keep a 
secret, besides the}' don't know an^^thing about what 
offxces are to be filled. I vv^as told 3'esterday that we 
have two congressmen at large in this state, and I'll 
bet there aint a women around here who knew that. 

Mrs. K. Laws I knovv'ed that. I heard, 'em lavSt 
night. M3" old man thought it was gas escaping 
from the gas well, but I knovred it was nothing but 
some of them noisy critters at large. 

Mr. S. You are prett3^ hard on Congressmen, 
Mrs. Knowall. Aim 3^ou afraid the3^'ll retaliate ? 

Mrs. K. Laws no. The3^ jist make a noise, and 
I'm not afeared of the biggest noise that ever lived. 

Mr. G. Wh3' din't 3'our old man come along 
with 3'ou, Mrs. Knowall? 

Mrs. K. He was afeared of the night air. 

Mr. S. I'm afraid he's getting old-womanish. 

Mrs, W. I hope he is, for then he will not be 
old-manish, which is so much worse. 

Mr. S. Miss Dudine, didn't 3'ou go to school to 
me a few 3' ears ago ? 

Miss D. Yes sir, and I feel indebted to 3'ou for 
nil I know 



32 SHORT DIALOGUES. 

Mr. S. Pray, don't mention such a trifle. 
Mr. D. Did any of you see my black-faced awn- 
telope to-da}^ ? 

Mrs. W. I didn't know you had a black-faced 
aunt. 

Mrs. K. Laws I knowed it. 

Mr. S. I'm afraid they're getting ahead of you, 
Dude. 

Mr. G. (Aside.) I'll tell 3'OU how to get even 
w^ith Mrs. Witty, Dude, just ask her her age, but 
you'll not find it out from her. A woman's age is 
the ONK secret she can keep, and you can't per- 
vSuade, nor surprise her into telling it if she don't 
want it known. 

Mr. D. (Aside.) It\s bad form to ask a lady her 
age, but I'll find out Mrs. Witty 's age from her 
without her dreaming w^hat I'm about; see if I don't. 
Mrs. Witty, I understand that this is not 3'our na- 
tive town. How old were \'ou w^hen you moved 
here? 

Mrs. W. I was about 20 years old. 

Mr. D. How long have you been living here ? 

Mrs. W. Ever since I was about 20 years old. 

Mr. Arn't you glad 3^ou found out? 

Mr. D. I guess you are right. Gruff. Miss Out- 
spoken, I've been wanting to ask you what made 
you hold 3'our liandkerchief to your nose when I 
was smoking in the street car wdiere you were ? Does 
it annoy you for a gentlemen to smoke in your 
presence ? 

Miss O. I can't tell 3^ou; no gentleman ever 
smoked in m3^ presence. 

Mr. D. Ha, ha, I see you 3^ou're fond of joking. 

Mr. S. Mrs. Witty, according to your argument 
that people are responsible for what they could pre- 
vent, 3^oung ladies are responsible for 3^oung men 



SHORT DIALOGUES. 33 

smoking in public, for if all young ladies would 
speak out as plainly and truthfully about this habit 
as does Miss Outspoken, young men would surely 
quit it. 

Mrs. Witty. That might stop the young men 
from smoking in ptiblic, but w^ait till women are al- 
lowed their rights to help make laws, and we will 
have a law against any one's smoking in public and 
vitiating the air which others must breathe. 

Miss D. I'm tired of hearing of woman's rights. 
I've got all the rights I want. If allowed to vote 
we'll have to stand up in street cars like men do. 
(Puts some wax in her mouth and goes to chewing 
vigorously.) 

Mrs. W. When we get the suffrage, I think that 
no one will have to stand up in street cars, for we 
will make a law that those who can't get a seat can 
do as they please about pa3dng an^^ fare. 

Mr. S. I reckon you will also pass a law against 
ladies chewing gum in public, for isn't this habit 
nearly as harmful as smoking ? 

Miss O. No, for it injures only the one who in- 
dulges in it, while smoking may be injurous to those 
around one who indulges in it. Since it has been 
conceded that chewing gum may cause insanity, this 
habit is waning. 

Mr. S. Perhaps another cause for the falling off 
of the chewing gum habit is, that indulging in it is 
said to spoil one's looks, for women are vain you 
know. 

Mrs. W. Of course women are vain, and equally 
of course men are not vain. Wh}^ the head of the 
handsomest man present looks like he hadn't looked 
in a mirror to-da3^ (Each man present slyl}^ takes 
from his pocket a mirror and combj and looking in 
the mitroti ^6trtb«> his hair») 



34 SHORT DIALOGUES. 

Miss O. As to who are more vain, men or wo- 
men, I think it is six of one and half a dozen of the 
other, as it is in about ever3'thing else. 

Mrs. G. That't what Miss Green sa^^s. 

Mr. D. Don't you think Miss Green is foolish? 

IV^rs. W. No, not at all. 

Mr. D. An3?^body who flirts is foolish, and Miss 
Green flirted with me all last evening. 

Mrs. \y. Well, then she is foolivSh. 

Mr. D. Mrs. Witty, do 3^ou know ni}^ family 
name dates back several hundred years ? 

Mrs. W. That's nothing; mine dates back before 
the flood. 

Mr. S. Dude, the only way to win in an argu- 
ment with a woman, is to walk off when 3^011 have 
stated 3^our side of it. But Mrs. Witty, I've never 
seen an3^ account of an3' of 3'our famil3' sailing in 
Noah's ark. 

Mrs. W. Of course not. The3^ had an ark of 
their own. 

Mr. D. You'd bettah have walked off and not 
waited for an answer, Mr. vSharp. 

Mr. S. That's so. It makes a man feel small to 
be out-argued b3^ a lady, doesn't it ? 

Mr. D. Well, I should think. Why, I feel like 
an inspired idiot. 

Miss O. But you don't look at all inspired. 

Mrs. G. (Rising.) Please excuse me for awhile. 
(Exit.) ^ 

Mr. G. I'll bet I know something none of 3^ou 
know. 

Mrs. W. I should think you'd had enough bet- 
ting. 

Mr. G. Now, who's been telling you that I bet 
on the election ? 



SHORT DIALOGUES. 35 

Mrs. W. No one but 3^ou has told me anything 
about it. But what is it you know that we don't ? 

Mr. G. It's a vSecret, and I promivSed not to tell it. 

Mr. Dude. Ah well, tell us anyhow, we'll nevah 
breathe it to a soul. 

Mr. S. And we'll help 3^ou to'keep it. (Aside.) 
That is to keep it going. Let's have it. 

Mr. G. Alright then, but 3^ou mustn't tell au}^- 
body else. I had to promise not to tell it before it 
was told to me. It is this, my wife's neice. Miss 
Prim, is going to get married next month. Re- 
member, now, this is confidential, and 3'ou must not 
let it go an3^ further. 

Mr. S. Of course not. But how did you find it 
out? 

Mr. G. M3^ wife told me. She is just like an3^ 
woman, she can't keep a secret. 

Mrs. G. Ladies and gentlemen, please walk out 
to the dining room and have some refreshments, af- 
ter which we will have tablaux. 

Curtain. 



56 SHORT DIALOGUES. 

WHICH IS THE GREATER FOE TO OUR 
COUNTRY, TOBACCO OR ALCOHOL? 
Characters: — Five Boys. 

ist. B. I think that tobacco is a greater foe to 
our country than is*alcohol because it is a more se- 
cret enemy, in that its evil tendencies are not so dis- 
cernable to the masses as are those of alcohol, 
hence there is not so much attempt to discourage its 
use as there is to discourage the use of alcohol; yet it 
is said to be as expensive as the latter, and it is its 
nature as fully as it is that of alcohol, to produce 
distressing and fatal diseases, and to stunt the body 
and mind- of him who uses it; besides it may so dull 
his finer sensibilities that he will smoke in the pres- 
ence of others unmindful of the fact that this is an 
infringement on their rights in poisoning the air 
which they must breathe. As there is no legal bar 
to his smoking any time or anywhere he chooses, he 
often indulges in it in public assemblies, and thereby 
many a boy is led on till he becomes a slave to this 
habit. Some ladies who would draw aside their gar- 
ments lest they touch the garments of one who is so 
degraded as to drink in public, apparently think it 
an honor to walk the street with a gentleman while 
he is smoking. At a political meeting, the speaker, 
being an inveterate smoker, was puffing at a cigar 
on his arrival at the speaker's stand in front of the 
assembty, but this did not seem to lose him any es- 
teem, for he was applauded to the echo on stepping 
forward to begin his speech, and at the close of the 
meeting the "big-bugs" of the place rushed up to 
shake hands with him and showed by their actions 
that they wanted it to be thought that he was a par- 
ticular friend of theirs. Whereas, had he taken a 
drink of whisky before his audience, respectable peo- 
ple would not have cared about its being thought 
that thev were even acauainted with him. The am- 



mOVLt DlAtOGU]^^. 37 

bitious boy is aware of all this, and is thus warned 
that he must let alcoholic drinks alone if he would 
realize his desire for becoming a popular public 
speaker, but from appearances he judges that smok- 
ing will be rather a help than a hindrance to his 
reaching fame and fortune. He did not know that 
said speaker's sudden death from heart failure was 
due to the smoking habit, for such things are gener- 
ally kept secret from the public. Tobacco often so 
depraves the appetite as to give its victim a thirst 
for stimulants which whisky is quickest to meet, so 
we see that besides its own harm tobacco is responsi- 
ble for much of whisky's harm, by causing the ac- 
quiring of the alcoholic habit, "That which does 
no good does harm," and we know that tobacco 
does no good, and is unnecessary in any of life's 
callings, while alcohol is useful and very necessary 
in many of these callings, as in the successful treat- 
ment of diseases. 

2nd B. I don't see how you can believe that 
tobacco is more harmful than is alcohol. Why, there 
are many intelligent persons who hold that tobacco 
is beneficial to the health and tends to longevity, but 
no one claims either of these for alcohol. We see on 
all sides of us old men whose finer sensibilities re- 
main acute, and who are apparently robust and 
strong in body and mind, 3^et they have used tobacco 
almost all their lives. But we don't see any such 
old MEN who have used alcohol a greater part of 
their lives. Alcohol not only blunts a man's finer 
sensibilities, it kills them, so that he becomes in- 
sensible to the fact that shooting at random into a 
crowd of people or using profane and indecent lan- 
guage in the presence of others is an infringement 
on their rights. As to the tobacco habit creating an 
appetite for alcoholic drinks, it is well-known that 
thousands of persons who are addicted to the use of 
tobacco have nqt the smallest desire for such drinks, 



38 SHORT DIALOGUES. 

but are as good and worthy temperance men as can 
be found. The public, to a great extent apparently 
measures the disgrace of a man's drinking by his 
worldly pOvSseSvSions or his station, the greater his 
w^ealth or his fame the less the esteem he losses 
through getting drunk, so that this habit seems to 
bring no reproach on a vkry wealth}^ man, or a very 
famous one. An eloquent orator stands before an 
audience, to all of whom it is evident that he is a 
little tipsy, so he has done the same as to drink in 
public, but that does not hinder him from being 
applauded and lionized by man}^ of the respectable 
persons in the audience, and some attribute his elo- 
quent and rousing vSpeech to his being half drunk. 
The boy who sees and hears all this may conclude 
that the drinking habit tends to make one an eloquent 
orator and may be thus induced to acquire this habit, 
for he is kept in ignorance of the fact that it was 
alcohol which caused the aforesaid orator to be 
stricken with hopeless insanity a short time after his 
said speech. Scientific investigation and extended 
experience prove that alcohol is unnecessary in the 
practice of medicine and worse than useless in the 
treatment of diseases, while it is acknowleged that 
tobacco is good for reducing or preventing obesity 
and diseases. Alcohol is the work of art. while 
tobacco is the work of nature, and v/hy does it grow 
if it is of no use ? I pause for a reply. 

3d. B. I suppose it grows for like purposes to 
other poisons, since it contains a poison which will 
produce death quicker than any other except prus- 
sic acid, and those old tobacco users of whom we 
heard happen to possess constitutions sufficiently 
vigorous to overcome this poison, so far, but I'm 
not going to risk using tobacco lest I find out too 
late that I have not the natural power in my system 
to overcome this poison and so would be a slave to 
it henceforth, for it is said that the tobacco habit is 



SHORT DIALOGUES. 39 

even harder to shake off than is the alcoholic habit. 
Smoke when it enters the mouth absorbs the putrid 
emanations which it finds there, and diffuses them 
in the atmosphere. It is disgusting to reflect that, 
as you walk the crowded thoroughfare and are com- 
pelled to take in the fumes of a thousand cigars and 
pipes, you are respiring the foul effluvia from de- 
ca\^ed teeth and filthy mouths and diseased lungs. 
Habitual smokers ver3' often suffer from palpitation 
of the heart, and even from intermittent pulse — a 
beat being occasionally missed. This is called the 
tobacco heart, and frequently prevents its possessor 
from obtaining life insurance. Intelligent persons 
claiming that tobacco^ tends to longevity' and is ben- 
eficial to health and has curative power, only ren- 
ders it a more dangerous foe to our people, for 
science disproves these claims. The claim that it 
protects from disease has long since been exploded. 
The evils that it claims to cure are of it own mak- 
ing. It is simpl}^ a bad habit that uses 3''OU for its 
slave. The use of tobacco acts on. the salivar}^ 
glands, causing a profuse flow of saliva at first, 
followed by a thirst that v/ater w^ill not quench — 
hence, the desire for strong drink. True, there are 
thousands of persons who are addicted to the tobac- 
co habit that never touch alcohol in any form, but 
there are very few drunkards who do not use tobacco. 
This proves that a far greater number are subject to 
its evil tendencies than are subject to the evil ten- 
dencies of alcohol. The fact it prevents obesity is 
l3ut an argument against it, showing that he who 
uses it for this purposes is too vv^eak-minded to com- 
prehend that it would be a great deal v/iser to eat 
less and exercise more to keep from getting too fat. 
If it is desirable to reduce the flesh of a horse, his 
master doesn't go to feeding him tobacco, he simply 
feeds him le.ss corn and oats. I will admit that to- 
bacco is not entirely useless. It is useful in killing 



46 SHORT DIAI^OGUE^. 

bugs and dudes, and it saves a fellow who smokes i 
extensively from having to spend but little, if any 
time in combing his hair, for according to eminent 
medical authority, .smoking undoubtedly causes bald- 
ness by saturating the tissues of the body with nico- 
tine, which disturbs the healthful functions of the 
body and tissues and affects the nutrition of the hair 
bulbs. 

4th B. However injurious tobacco may be to the 
physicial body, no one can truthfully say it corrupts 
the morals as alcohol does and this is sufficient proof 
that the latter is a greater enemy to our nation than 
is the former, for on our morals we stand or fall. 
As this is a free country, where the majority rules, I 
infer that the m&jority of our people cannot, or at 
least DO not, discern the evil tendencies of alcohol, 
else they would certainly prohibit the rum traffic 
herein since they could if they would. In the last 
yellow fever epidemic at Jacksonville, Fla., the fever 
being in a mild form vStruck fatally only those who 
who were addicted to the use of alcohol, yet from 
outward appearances you cannot discern that such 
diseases would strike a drunkard fatally, nor that he 
would be liable to bleed to death from a slight wound 
but such is the case. 

5th B. The colored preacher said, ''Now bredren 
dar am two roads in dis life. One am a broad an 
narrow road dat leads to perdition, de other am a 
narrow and broad road dat leads 10 destruction,** 
whereupon Sambo jumped up and said, ' 'Den dis nig- 
gah takes to de woods. ' ' And if all that you boys 
have said of tobacco and alcohol be true, it is the na- 
ture of one to produce miseiy and evil and of the oth- 
er to produce evil and miser}^ ; so this boy takes to the 
prohibition woods where there is no possible danger 
from either of them; and boys, to clear from our 
own door all responsibility for the prevalence of the 
tobacco and alcoholic habits, let us do all we can 



SHORT DIALOGUES. 4^ 

toward dispeling the ignorance as to their effects on 
the human system. 

Curtain* 



DISCUSSION IN SCHOOL. 

Characters: Teacher, Gertie, Mary, Winnie, jane, 
Albert, Luc}'-, Homer, and others if convenient. 

Scene. — School in Session. 

Teacher. It lacks a few moments of time for re- 
cess. How shall we spend these moments ? 

Gertie. Let's spend them in a little discussion on 
'*How can one accomplish the most good?" 

Teacher. Very well. Some one may start the 
discussion. 

Mary. There are so many ways of doing good, I 
hardly know how to begin on this question, but as 
our individual gifts differ, so do the wa3'S in which 
each can accomplish most good differ, hence, each 
must solve the question for self. According to our 
gifts, so is the good we may accomplish. 

Win. And according to the USE we make of our 
gifts, so is the good we do accomplish. It is not al- 
ways the naturally most gifted who accomplish the 
most good, for gifts may be wonderfully improved 
by cultivation. In our various studies some of us 
find one faculty deficient and some another, but by 
turning our special attention to any one defect we 
may overcome it, and thereby do good. 

Albert. I believe that. We know a carpenter can 
drive a nail better than others because he has turned 
his attention to that. The blacksmith can shoe a 
horse better than others because that is his business. 
So by making it our business to strengthen a weak 
faculty we will soon notice improvement in that di'. 



42 SHORT DIALOGUES. 

rection, and thus be enabled to do more good than 
we otherwise could. 

Homer. As conscience without the resolution to 
obey it is useless, so unless we form good habits and 
good resolutions and stick to them., our natural gifts 
may be useless so far as accomplishing good is con- 
cerned. 

Lucy. There is nothing better than being hap-, 
py, hence, the more happiness one dispenses the 
more good one does. And as thoughtlessness of 
speech causes more unhappiness, perhaps, than any 
other one thing, so kind and thoughtful speech is 
productive of as much happiness as is anything else. 
By seeking to turn conversation into channels of joy, 
truth and charit>" at one's every opportunity, and 
having the moral courage to speak out in defense of 
the absent, one dispenses much happinCvSS. 

Gertie. A kind voice is a power for good, and 
this we all ma^^ have by cultivating our voices in 
that direction. There is often as much depends on 
the tone of voice in which a thing is said as on w^hat 
is said. If every pupil in the public schools of our 
land would turn his or her attention to the cultiva- 
tion of a kind voice, and make a business of saying 
only kind words to others, then the saying "Many 
a coffin is covered with roses by person who never be- 
fore gave its occupant anything but thorns," might 
cease to be true. 

Mary. A sweet temper and a kind smile are each 
a source of much happiness and benefit to humanity. 
A weary looking man was resting by the roadside, 
w^hen a little girl came along, and on seeing him 
she smiled and said: "You are tired, arn't you?" 
The man said, "I was, till I saw you smile." 

Win. True politeness is another source of happi- 
ness and likewise of good. Even dogs appreciate 
politeness avS is evidenced by the following, viz: "A 



SHORT DIAI^OGUES. 43 

brave terrier, belonging to a lady, one da}^ discovered 
a monke}^, belonging to an itinerant organ-grinder, 
seated on a bank in the grounds and at once made a 
dash at him. The monke}^ who was attired in jack- 
et and hat, awaited the onset w^ith such tranquility 
that the dog halted within a few feet of him. Both 
animals took a long, steady stare at each other. 
When the dog was evidently recovering from his 
surprise and was about to make a spring for the 
monke3^ the latter raised his paw and gracelulty sa- 
luted b}^ lifting his hat. The effect was magical. 
The dog's head and tail dropped and he sneaked 
off. ' ' Boys, b}^ alwa3's being as polite as that mon- 
key, we might be great peace-makers. 

Jane. One who hails every other human being as 
a brother or sister, who never deals in malice or rid- 
icule, and who does good not onh^ as he or she has 
opportunit}', accomplishes immeasurable good. 

Albert. Since clubs are the st3de, wh}^ can't we 
start a "Do Good Club," at which to discuss wa3'S 
and means for making the world better, and to tell 
of the good deeds that we know of others perform- 
ing. 

LrUC3'. That would be a delightful club to belong 
to. Telling the people of other folk's good deeds is 
the next best thing to doing them yourself. Saying 
and doing good are catching, and when we get our 
club started I wouldn't be surprised if the whole 
neighborhood would join it. Teacher, why don't 
3^ou help us in this discussion ? 

Teacher. I do not think 3'ou need an3^ help. 
Your discussions would do credit to much older folks 
than 3^ou. But our few moments are up now. At 
pla3^ time remember to put into action the good 
tilings 3'ou have said, if there is any occasion for do- 
ing so, and 3'ou can have more fun. We'll have a 
few moments recess now. 

Curtain. 



44 SHORT DIAtOUGES. 

EVENING CAI^LERS. 

Characters: Dr. Wisacre, Mrs. Wisacre, Joe, boy 
about grown; Jimmy, little boy; Judge Sage, Miss 
Gossip, Mr. Officeseeker, Miss Truth, William 
Broadbrim and wife, Charity, Preacher New Pat- 
rick. 

Scene. — A room in which are Dr. and Mrs. Wise- 
acre and Joe. 

Mrs. W. Joe, I hear you are paying a great deal 
of attention to Miss Rose. I cant vSee how anyone 
can admire her. 

Joe. That's because you're no judge of beauty. 

Dr. W. Remember, beauty is but skin deep. 

Joe. That's deep enough for me. I aint no can- 
nabal. 

Dr. W. Joe, you ought to learn to use better 
grammar. Take my advice to think before you 
speak. 

Joe. I tried that, but it wouldn't work at all. I 
always forgot what I was going to say. 

Dr. W. My father wouldn't let me talk that 
saucy to him. I had to do as he advised me to 
whether it would work or not. 

Joe. Your father surely wasn't very smart. 

Dr. W. (Angril3^)I'll let you know my father 
was a good deal smarter than your father is. ( Joe 
laughs.) You needn't laugh; it's so. (Joe takes his 
hat and starts out.) Where are you off to now ? I 
wish you'd sta}^ at home of evenings. 

joe. Oh, I'm just going to see some girls. 

Dr. W. (Sternly.) Did you ever know me to go 
after the girls when I was a young man ? 

Joe. No, but I guess ma did. (Exit.) 
(Enter Jim with his coat torn.) 

Mrs. W, Jimmy, what are you doing out this 



SHORT DIALOGUES. 45 

time of night? And how did you get your coat torn? 
I hope you haven't been fighting again. 

Jim. No'm, I was just keeping a bad little boy 
from hurting a good little boy. 

Mrs. W. You dear, noble child. You shall have 
a piece of cake for that. Who was the good little 
boy? 

Jim. Me. 

Dr. W. Jimmy, our parrot has been saying pro- 
fane and bad words to-day. Have you been teach- 
ing it to say them ? 

Jim. No, I've been teaching it what it mustn't 
say. 

(Enter Judge Sage, Wm. Broadbrim and Charity, 
Truth, Preacher New.) 

Dr. W. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, 
you've given us a surprise this time. 

Mrs. W. Yes, and a very agreeable surprise it is. 
Please be seated. 

(Enter Officeseeker and Miss Gossip.) 

Off. You folks can't fool us. We found out you 

were coming here this evening. So we came too. 

(Shakes hands with all.) 
Miss Gossip. (Sitting down by Jimmy.) Hello, 

Jimmy, I heard you robbed a bird's nest to-day. 

How can you be so cruel as to rob a poor little bird 

of her eggs, and cause her to wail like her heart 

was broken. 

Jim. Guess the bird I robbed to-day wont wail 
much. You've got her on your hat. 

Preacher. Dr. Wiseacre, I noticed you were at 
church last Sunday morning. I hope you derived 
profit from the service. 

Dr. W. I assure you, sir, I drop business and ^t- 
teild church on Sunday without hope of profit: 



46 SHORT DIALOGUES. 

Mrs. W. The eongregation seemed deeply stirred 
by your sermon, Brother New. 

Preacher. Yes, I noticed a great deal of restless- 
ness. 

Truth. I enjo3^ed the sermon very much, didn't 
3^ou, Judge ? 

Judge. Can't say I did. I couldn't catch a wink 
of sleep during the whole of it. 

Gossip. I always did enjoy that sermon, Brother 
New. 

Off. It was a splendid sermon. It carried me to 
the gates of heaven. 

Jim. Why didn't you dodge in. You may 
never get another such a chance. 

Mrs. W. Jimmy, keep still unless you are spok- 
en to. 

Preacher. I saw 3^ou digging in the garden last 
Sunday, Jimm^^ Don't you know it is wrong to 
work on Sunday only in a case of necessity ? 

Jim. That was a case of necessity. A boy can't 
fish without bait. 

Preacher. But it is wrong to catch fish on Sun- 
day. 

Jim. I didn't catch any, couldn't git nary bite. 

Off. Brother New, I'm a lawyer, and when I 
plead a case before a jury, if I find I've made a mis- 
statement I correct it immediately. How is this 
with you? If you make a mistake when 3^ou are 
preaching, do 3"OU stop and correct ^^ourself? 

Preacher. • If I make much of a mistake I stop 
and correct m^^self ; but if the mistake is slight I let 
it go. For instance, once when I was preaching I 
aimed to say liars, but I made a mivStake and said 
lawyers, but I just let it go that way. 

Miss Gossip. Brother New, how can such a 
preacher as 3'OU deal in jest and nonsense ? 



SHORT DIAIvOGUES. 47 

Broadbrim. "A little nonsense now and then, is 
relished b}^ the best of men." An3^bod3^ who has 
any sense at all, has some nonvSense. 

Preacher. And as the ptilpit is not the place for 
jokes and nonsense, I must dispose of mine else- 
where. From Genesis to Revelations there is not a 
single jest. 

Broadbrim. That's so. Yet I'm certain there's 
no harm in innocent jesting at proper times and 
places. 

Off. Don't you know, Mr. Broadbrim, ''WiSK 
men hesitate; only FOOi^ are certain. 

Broadbrim. I'm not so sure of that. 

Off. I'm CERTAIN of it. (Laughter.) 

Charity. Now thou hast a joke on thyself, 
hasn't thee, friend Ofl&ceseeker. Let's change the 
subject. 

Broadbrim. Ver}' well. Jimni}-; if thy fine 
chicken was to la}^ an egg, would thee give it to the 
poor? 

Jim. No, I'd sell it to Barnum. My chicken's a 
rooster. 

Miss G. What a bright and witty boy Jimmy is. 

Off. I've noticed that bright witty boys are apt 
to grow up into dull, stupid men. 

Jim. What a bright witty boy you must have 
been, Mr. Officeseeker. 

Mrs. W. Jimmy, 3^ou must not be so impudent. 
Beg Mr. Officeseekers pardon this minute, and tell 
him you're sorr3\' 

Jimmy. I beg your pardon, Mr. Officeseeker, 
I'm sorry you're so dull and stupid. 
(Enter Pat wearing very light colored troUvSers.) 

Pat. Leddies and gentleman, my house and iv- 
er^'thin^ in it was burned up last night, and I'm 



48 SHORT DIAI.OGUES. 

around trying to raise money to help me git a start 
agin. 

Dr. W. Where/ s your certificate to show that 
your house was burned. 

Pat. Shure, and it was in the house, und got 
burned up with the rest of the tihngs. I've had the 
grip, to, and the right name it's got. It held on 
thr a weeks after it let go, and I've lost my place. 
Jedge, would yez give me a recommendation so I 
kin get work. 

Judge. Certainly. (Takes out note book and 
writes.) 

Off. Pat, what made you fight Bill Hit the other 
day. 

Pat. To make him quit quarreling with me. I 
cum to Ameriky for peace, und I'm going to have it 
if I have to fight for it. 

Juudge. Here's your recommendation, Pat, 
(Gives him a paper.) I've said you are honest, with 
no compunctions of conscience, but I fear I've 
strained a point in saying you're are sober. 

Pat. Thin couldn't ye strain a point a little more 
and say I'm frequently sober? 

Judge. Oh, what I've said will do. 

Pat. Alright. Much obleeged to you, Jedge. 
Now, if I kin git work and if I kin git a leetle help 
to git a start agin, we'll git along all right. 

Charit3^ I will call on thy family tomorrow and 
see what they need, and perhaps arrange to provide 
them therewith. 

Pat. May the holy saints bless 3^e. You're a 
gintlemanly leddy, and sure. Good night. (Exit.) 

Miss G. Pat was dressed something like a cadet, 
was'n the* You ktloW cM^t^ were white pants. _ . ^ 

Jirdi And so dd their e^istersi and their cousins 
Ifeiid their aunts: 



SHORir DlAl.oaUES. 49 

Mrs. W. Jimmy, it's time you weVc asleep. 
What can I do to induce you to go to bed ^ 

Jim. You can let me sit up a little longer ^ 
Broadbrim » Friend New, I saw thee riding a bi- 
cycle to-day* Isn't thee afraid sorne of the church 
members will get thee tried for heresy, if thee don't 
quit bicycling ? 

Preacher. If they do, I expect I'll have 3''OU for 
company, Brother Broadbrim, for I saw you playing 
croquet the other da}'. If^^ou don't quit it won't 
3^our church deal with you for unbecoming and friv- 
olous behavior ? 

Dr. W. And Mr. Broadbrim, I saw 3'oustop Mr. 
Top from smoking in the ladies' waiting room at the 
depot, the other day. Aren't 3'ou afraid \'ou'll get 
churched for not minding 3'our own business ? 

Broadbrim. It is every body Is business to inter- 
fere with oppression and wrong on all occasions, and 
smoking in the presence of others is oppression and 
wrong, so I said to friend Fop "I heard a handsome 
young woman sa}^ what a good-looking man Mr. 
Fop might be if he didn't make a filth3' cigar holder 
out of himself, ' ' whereupon he quit smoking in a 
huny. 

Off. Have anj' of 3'ou heard about our Bank 
Cashier? 

Dr. W. What about him ? Not defunct I hope ? 

Off. That's just what he's done, and took with 
him ever3^thing he could la3' his hands on. 

Gossip. Well, I never! Trul}^ one-half of the 
world don't know how the other half lives. 

Truth. That's not your fault. Miss Gossip. 

Mrs. W. I heard to-da3' that Mr. Saving is dead. 

Off. Is that so ? I presume we lawv^ers will get 
a pile of his money now, though he was so careful 



50 SHORT DIALOGUES. 

to keep us from getting any of it while he lived. Of 
course his will wall be contested. 

Gossip. Certainty, for they say his mind had 
been failing for a long time. 

Truth. They are mistaken. Mr. Saving's mind 
remained sound to the very last. I presume this 
fact will not be disputed, for he did not leave any 
will. 

Mrs. W. My ! but wont that be a disappoint- 
ment to the lawyers ? 

Judge. I fear the dissappointment will not be lim- 
ited to the lawyers, for during the recent will con- 
est the court room was crowded with spectators, 
about tw^o-thirds of whom were ladies. 

Broadbrim. Maybe they were interested either in 
the case or the Judge. 

Judge It is not probable that they were interested 
in the case, for it was venued to this place on ac- 
count of the contestants being strangers to the peo- 
ple here, and their presence wasn't due to interest in 
the Judge, or else they would attend court more, 
which I wish they w^ould, for it is so much easier to 
make the law^3^ers observe order, and keep within 
the law, when there are ladies present at court. 

Gossip, I attended court all the time during the 
trial of the case mentioned. 

Off. I saw you there, Miss Gossip, but did not 
see you there at all, Miss Truth. 

Broadbrim. I saw her there. 

Off. What, were you there. Broadbrim ? I shouldn't 
have thought 3^ou'd have enjoyed being there, 
as I've heard Quakers don't know anything- about 
law, 

Judg^i They know enough about it to keep out 
of it. But enoitgli about law, let'?^ change tt^^ Bub- 



SHORT DIALOGUES. 51 

Preacher. That's what I say. Brother Broad- 
brim, don't 3'ou think charity requires one to always 
keep open and free a corner of his or her head in 
which to make room for the opinions of others ? 

Broadbrim. That depends. There is no charity 
in crowding out of one's head benevolent opinions of 
his or her own to make room for uncharitabe opinions 
of others. 

Preacher. Brother Broadbrim, wh}' didn't 3'ou 
come out and mingle your prayers with our's for the 
poor and needy ? 

Broadbrim. I wasn't moved that way. 

Judge. He couldn't have gotten his pra^^er into 
the church an^^how, for it consisted of a big wagon 
load of provisions which I saw him delivering to the 
need3\ 

Broadbrim. That Vv^as the answer to prayer. 
When m}' wife and I pra3^ed that the poor in our 
midst might be fed, our little girl said, "If I had as 
much to feed them with as 3^ou have I'd go and an- 
swer that prayer. " That's how we happened t- 
think of it. 

Preacher. — * 'And a little child shall lead them," 
applies in this case, doesn't it? 

Truth. The convensation is trending toward re- 
ligion. 

Charit3\ I note with pleasure that people gener- 
ally are becoming more free to talk on religion, w^hich 
I think shows that the world is getting more 
religious. 

Mrs. W. I believe that people who have religion 
are pretty apt to talk about it. 

Gossip. Judge Sage, do you have piuch need for 
religion in your vocation ? 

ji|dg^. One who has larg^dt^alinga with Wh fel- 



S^ SHORIf DiAtOOUES, 



Truth* So does everybody else, Still th^re are 
yet a great many persons who .seem to thhik it ^acrh 
lege to talk on religion except in meetings for this 
purpose. 

Off. This is a queer world, isn't. 

Broadbrim. Yes, F'riend Officeseeker, everybody 
is queer except me and thee, and thee is a little 
queer. (Laughs heartily.) 

Off. I see you are fond of a joke, Brother Broad- 
brim. 

Gossip. I see he's fond of laughing also. 

Mrs. W. That's all right. If God hadn't in- 
tended for people to laugh, he never would have 
made a monke3^ (Truth coughs.) 

Dr. W. If you will take a dose of ni}^ medicine,- 
Miss Truth, you will never cough again. 

Truth. Is It so fatal at that ? 

Charity. I think it's about time to go home. 

Gossip. I think so too. So let us go. 
Curtain. 



SHORT DIALOGUES. 53 

THE MISSION OF FLOWERS. 

CJiaracters: — Flora, Rose, Lilly, Myrtle. 

Scene. — Four girls, each, carrying a bunch of 
flowers. 

Flora. Girls, let's sit down here and make bo- 
quets out of our flowers. 

Rose. Agreed. (All sit down and arrange flow- 
ers into boquets, conversing meanw^hile.) 

Lil}". Weren't we luck}^ to find so many flow^ers ? 
There's no purer pleasure than hunting early wild 
flowers. 

M3Ttle. And nothing more enjoyable. 
In the springtime, in the wildwood, 

I love to wander forth, 
And pluck the first w^ild flowers 
That deck the beauteous earth. 

Flora. So do I. 

To find violets meekly blooming, 

Upon a moss}^ bed, 
And other flowers beside them, 

In loveliness outspread, H 

is joyful be3^ound measure. ^ 

Rose. I think it is, for 

The sight of flow^ers tends to give 

One's thoughts a trend above 
All evil, and each blossom seems 
To whisper, ''God is love." 

Lily. 'Tis plain one thing God made them for 
Was, to tell us He meant 
For us to be pure and cheerful, 
And with our lot content. 
Yet some folks wonder what flowers were made for. 

Myrtle. God must have aimed them also to in- 
culcate charity and humility, for 

Emblems of unselfishnesss and 



S4 SHORT DIALOGUES. 

Humbleness are flowers, 
They bloom alike for rich and poor, 
Alike cheer each one's hours. 

Flora. I think that ffowers are also meant, 
Noble truths to reveal, 
Among which are, ' 'Who doth most good, 
Doth least in censure deal." 
And 

' 'Joy's the root of morality, ' ' 
And life of the pure mind, 
Hence, one who happiness imparts 
Makes better humankind. 

Rose. By speaking charitable words 
In kindl}^ voice, w^e may 
Give more joy than could be given 
In an}^ other way. 

If by kind w^ords and deeds we prm^e 

That we wish no one ill, 
Then like the flowers so shall we 

Our mission here fulfiill. 

lyily. 'Tis said that flowers are thoughts of God, 
^ And if we only would 

Alwa3^s keep our thoughts pure like they, ^ 
We'd ne'er do aught but good. ^ 

And moreover. 

If, like they, we're peaceful, and 

Innocent, and given 
To bright' ning other lives, we'll help 
Many to reach Heaven. 

Mytle. Let us ever 

Work for other's good and seek to 

Spread cheer where'er we go. 
So, like the flowers, we'll fulfill 

Our mission here below. 
Then 'twill be said to us, by the 

One on the Great White Throne, 



SHORT DiAtOGUES. 55 

''By 3^our lives you've glorified Me, 
Hence, Heaven is 3^our home. ' ' 

Flora. That verse is good enough to quit on. 
How did we happen to get our talk into poetr}^ ? 

Rose. Because poetry and flowers are twin sis- 
ters, I gness. But it must be nearly one o'clock, 
and if we don't look out school will take up before 
we get back. 

Lfily. We'd better be going then, for one of our 
missions is to be at school on time. 

Myrtle. That's so. Let's hurry up so as not to 
be tard}'. (Exeunt.) 

Curtain. 



56 SHORT DIALOGUES. 

SEWING CIRCLE TALK. 
Cha:racters: Six Ladies. 
Scene. — Ladies sewing. 

ist L. I hear the men call our sewing circle a 
"Gossip Factory," and sa}^ it does more harm than 
good, and should be discontinued. 

2d L. The men had better sweep before their 
own door and stop some of their evil factories before 
they go to criticizing our doings. Their drunkard 
factory, the saloon, does nothing but harm, and is 
intended for the manufacture of nothing but degrad- 
ed human beings. This fact is evident even to child- 
ren. For instance, On seeing a ragged, bloated, 
drunken man by a saloon door, a little boy ran in 
and said to the saloonkeeper, "Say, Mister, your 
sign's fallen down. ' ' Gossip factory or not, the sew- 
ing circle never turns out such a degraded object as 
that saloon vSign. 

3d L. True, but no one v/ill escape the penalty 
for doing a wrong simply because some one else does 
^a greater wTong. Our's is not the only sewing cir- 
^cler that is called a gossip factory, and it deser^^es the 
name if it is like that one oi which a noted author- 
ess said, "I ahvays make it a business to be present 
at our sewing circle, so I wont be talked about 
there." Though the sewing circle exists in the 
name of charity, I fear its conversation is sometimes 
most uncharitable and full of thoughtless speech. 

4th L. Some one says, "Thoughtlessness of 
speech has done more to injure woman than au}^ sin- 
gle element in her life. If we would always observe 
the Golden Rule when talking, none would have 
cause to say aught against our conversation. 

5th L. I don't care what anybody says, womens' 
conversation is no more given to idle and uncharita- 
ble gossip than is men's conversation. 



SHORT DIALOGUES. 57 

6th ly. That doesn't lessen the evil of such gos- 
sip, or make it less incumbent on every woman to 
prevent womens' meetings from meriting the name 
of gossip factory. If every such meeting was blessed 
with the presence of even onk who has the moral 
courage and inclination to speak out in defense of 
the absent, and to seek to make eveiy conversation 
that is within her hearing trend toward wisdom, 
charity and happiness, then the fear of being talked 
about would, as an incentive for attending womens' 
meetings, be displaced by the anticipation of pleas- 
ure and profit from being present thereat, for ''Hope 
of reward is a greater incentive to action than is fear 
of fear punishment." 

ist ly. Since reforms are fashionable, why not re- 
form sewing circle talk, banishing therefrom all mal- 
ice and unkindness, and in their stead have discus- 
sions on scientific vSubjects, or on ways and means 
for the suppression of evil and the uplifting of hu- 
manity? Suppose we take the suppression of the 
Gambling Habit for discussion to-day ? 

2d ly. As women are not responsible for this hab- 
it, I don't see how we can accomplish an}^ thing in 
discussing the subject. 

3d. I'm not sure that all women are free from re- 
sponsbility for this habit. To be entirely blameles 
for the prevalence of gambling, one must keep one' 
talk free from all expressions which tend to sugges 
to children's minds any thought of betting, and a 
such expressions are made without any thought as 
to their evil tendencies, we might do some good by 
seeking to arouse thoughts therein. 

4th ly. And while we are about it let us try to 
arouse sentiment against buying chances at prizes. 
I believe women are equally responsible with men 
for this form of gambling. 

5th L. If buying chances at prizes is gambling, 



58 SHORT DIALOGUES. 

then I know several church members who are 
gamblers, for recently they paid fifty cents each for a 
chance to secure a ten-dollar bible. 

6th L. Seeking to win value or property without 
rendering a just equivalent therefor, is gambling, 
no difference how it is won. The principle of the 
actor is judged by the motive of the action, and 
what's the difference in principle between seeking to 
get a $io bible for only fifty cents, and seeking to 
win $9.50 by betting on a game of chance ? 

ist L. I can't see as there is any difference in 
PRINCIPI.K between these two acts. Betting on elec- 
tions is another thing that respectable people don't 
realize is gambling. But we women will soon be al- 
lowed our inherent right to a say-so in legislation, 
and then this form of gambling will be suppressed. 

2nd ly. It seems that women can't talk any 
length of time now da}' s wdthput getting onto the 
subject of womens' rights. As for me I have all the 
rights I want. The woman who dabbles in politics 
does so at the risk of loosing man's approval. 

4th L. Is man's approbation so necessary and 
desirable that woman would be justified in sacrific- 
ing duty, conscience, principle and patriotism for 
it? "No woman has all the rights she ought to 
want until she has a right to say, with authority, 
that the world shall be a better place for woman to 
live in. 

5th ly. How time does fly when one is pleasurably 
entertained. Here it is time for us to adjourn al- 
ready. I've enjoyed this discussion so much, I'd 
like to discuss something at all our meetings. How 
would the evil tendencies of using wine in food and 
at meals, do for discussing at our next meeting. 

6th ly. As most of the- responsibility for the 
existance of this evil lies at woman's door, it is a 
very suitable subject for her to discuss. I^et us look 



SHORT DIALOGUES, 59 

up information on this subject so as to be able to 
sUvStain our arguments by scientific facts ;but it is time 
I was at home. 

ist L. It's time I was there too. 

2nd ly. Me too. 

3rd L. We had as well all go at once. (Exit.) 
Curtain. 



THE ALPHABET IN RHYME. 
Characters — Class of several children. 

(The first two verses and last two verses a to be 
recited in concert b}^ the class.) 

1 . We children know" so much. 

We cannot tell you all, 
But we all learned our letters 
When we W'Cre quite small. 

2 . And since then we have made 

Such good use of our time, 
That what each letter stands for, 
We can tell 3^ou in rhyme. 

3. A vStands for Adam, he ate the 

Forbidden fruit 3'ou know% 
Then went and told God that Eve w^as 
To blame for his doing so. 

4. B stands for beer, about w^hich 

Woe, to him who lingers. 
If one handles beer much, they say. 
T'will rot off his fingers. 

5. C stands for creeds. If we 

Obey God's commands, then, 
We'll have no time to quarrel 
About creeds made Id}' men. 



6o SHORT DIAI^OGUES. 

6. D stands for David. God who 

Gave David power to slay 
The giant, e'er gives power to fight 
Giant wrongs of the day. 

7. E stands for evil. The}' who 

Put all evil thoughts to flight, 
And seek and harbor but good thoughts, 
Always say and do the right. 

8. F stands for flag. Our flag 

Is freedom's banner, and 
It is the only flag that we 
Have room for in this land. 

9. G stands for galaxy, which is 

The long, white milky way, 
Stretched across the heavens. 
It can't be seen by day. 

10. H stands for Haman, who built 

A gallows for Mordecai, 
But Haman 's self was hung thereon, 
And Esther's kin w^ent free. 

11. I stands for Iceland, an island 

Of volcanic formation. 
J stands for justice. This should 
Obtain in ev'ry nation. 

12. K stand for kissing. 'Tis said 

That kissing' s a good salve, 
In fact, for sore lips I've heard. 
It's the very best w^e have. 

13. L stands for laughing. I'm sure 

There is much good in that. 

If careful when and where we 

Laugh and what we laugh at. 

14. M stands for mone}^ "The root 

Of all evil," they say. 
But all the same, mankind still 
Strive for it night and day. 



SHORT DIALOGUES. $1 

1 5. N stands for New Zealand, a land. 

Where they let the women vote, 
Hence at the poU^ they have order, 
l^his is worthy of note. ' 

16. O stands for ostrich, he caii 

Run half a mile a minute, 
When he wants to, but my, 
Don't he have to spin it. 

17. P stands for preacher, who strive^ 

The way of life to teach. 
' 'Wise is the clerg^^nian 
Who knows when not to preach. 

18. Q stands for quarrels, which I 

Can shun and so can 3^ou. 
R stands for rum, if we will 
We can all shun that too. 

19. S stands for saloon, who works not 

'Gainst it with might and main, 
May hear God say to him, 

''Where is thy brother ? Cain." 

20. T stands for truth, true to 

The truth, I want to be. 
For there's nothing bears such awful 
Big crops, as a lie tree. 

21. U stands for union. Ma^^ our 

Glorious country e'er be, 
A union unbroken, and aye 
The blest home of the free. 

22. V stands for victory. The greatCvSt 

Of which is. that gained o'er self. 
W stands for women, they'll soon 
lyay Joseph on the shelf. 

23. X stands for Xerxes, he caused 

To be whipped the Egean, 
'Cause its waves broke his bridge of 
Boats. What a foolish man. 



62 SHORT DIALOGUES. 

24. Y stands for yule-log, a big 

Log used, as you may know, 
For the basis of the Christmas 
Fire a long time ago. 

25. Z stands for zephyr. It is 

A soft and gentle breeze, 
So mild it scarcely stirs 
The leaves upon the trees. 

26. There! You've found out we're knowing 

From what you've just heard, 
Though perhaps when we told you, 
You doubted our w^ord. 

27. But there's a trite old saying, 

'Spect you heard it in your youth, 
It is this, "Children and fools 
Generally speak the truth," 

Curtain, 



r^iETAL EDGE, INC. 200b 
PH 7.5 TO 9.5 RA.T. 



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022 204 644 { 



